And you get a baby, and you get a baby, and...oh...no baby for you.

At times I have this overwhelming feeling of "unfairness." The world is unfair. It is unfair that people who are clearly unfit to be parents get the opportunities to be parents. It is unfair that people who don't even plan pregnancies get knocked up and go on to have live healthy babies. It is unfair that women who know absolutely nothing about caring for a baby, nurturing a baby, and educating a child go on to have uneventful smooth pregnancies. It is unfair. Period. Nothing else to say about it. But what do we do? What can we do? Nothing. It sucks and it hurts, but we have no choice in any of it.

During my first pregnancy I did everything right and then everything right on top of that. I ate vegetarian except for two servings of fish twice a week for the omega 3s. I stayed away from junk food. I used all natural non toxic cleaning products. I drank plenty of water. Took my vitamins. Went to all prenatal appointments and called several times in between them. I cherished every bout of morning sickness I had because it told me that my baby was growing and developing. I never complained about anything. I talked to my baby with words of love everyday. And then at 16 weeks, shortly after waiting for the right time after the first trimester to announce that I was expecting, I lost the baby. Me, who planned a natural medication free childbirth with the loving support of a doula and midwife. Me, who had this awesome great respect for the miracle of life. Months later during my deepest depression I almost couldn't bear to face the world because all I saw were pregnant women, newborns, and mothers who I knew didn't deserve their babies any more than I deserved mine.

After experiencing a second loss, I know more than ever that life is not always fair. I'm struggling to find a way to live in a world where such unfairness exists. The only thing that helps me at times is the knowledge that it was nothing I did, nothing I deserved, and that sometimes bad things just happen to good people.

Even still, the pain is deep and it is real. As much as it is like a knife in the pit of my stomach, I have no choice but to deal with the cruel reality that other people who are clearly not even close to as worthy as me go on to have babies...the alcoholics, the weed smokers, the loose promiscuous women, the dropouts, the unintelligent, the financially irresponsible, the unmotivated, the you fill in the blank, all seem to get knocked up without plans, give birth without complications, and then go on to screw up some perfectly innocent person's childhood life. Meanwhile, some worthy babyless parents weep with arms wide open and no baby to place in them.