What Does It Take To Move On?

Just when you think you are moving on something happens to make you realize that you're not. I've been away for awhile. I had to travel back home. I was gone for almost the entire month of March. While there I almost felt like the woman formerly known as myself. I spent quality time with family. I hung out with friends. I went to a few parties. When it was time to return, I didn't want to leave my childhood home. There I finally had something to do to occupy my time, my mind, my thoughts, and my heart. It was the first time in almost a year that my whole entire day wasn't consumed with the troubles and pressures of being a babyless mother.

After being back from home for almost a week and still on this "high" from my trip, I started to think that maybe I was all better- finally.

And then last night I had this dream of someone very close to me and her new baby. In my dream, I was with her and I met the baby for the first time. All I wanted to do was scream, cry, and shout how unfair it all was and how much pain I felt that I was missing what she had. But I said nothing. I looked at the baby. I touched the baby. I talked and cooed and "googoo gagaed" at the baby, but I couldn't bring myself to take the baby in my arms and just hold it. I said nothing to my friend about how much I was hurting.

When I woke up, I just felt angry. I felt screwed. I felt that same old familiar pang in my heart and at the pit of my stomach that I thought I had finally gotten over.

This dream left me wondering if this feeling I have will ever stop being so raw. It made me be honest with myself that I really do still want a baby even though I try to pretend to myself that I don't want to try again. So now I feel like I'm right back where I left off a month ago.

A scared, lonely, hurt, and angry babyless mother.

I'd really like to know from other babyless mothers just how and when did you know you had moved on past the raw emotions and had settled into your "new normal" self. How long did it take? What did it take for it to finally happen?