Someone's Going To Lotto...Might As Well Be You

It's going to be somebody. Why not me? I feel like I have been on the wrong side of statistics too many times. Second trimester loss? Me. Incompetent cerivix? Miscarriage first trimesteer? Me. Hemorrage? Me. Blood transfusion? Me. Infection? Me. Depression? Me. Post traumatic stess disorder? Me. Why not me for everything else. I want a baby. I want a baby to kick, live, and exist inside of me for the whole duration of a normal pregnancy for 40 weekss...and come out breathing, crying, kicking, and nursing.

But. I am so scared. I feel like evey risk of childbirth is a personal risk that I have to surpass. I want a baby, but I don't want to risk my life again to only come out a dead baby mama.

Seven

So today I should either:

A) Have a seven month old baby boy to hold, cuddle, love, kiss, nurse, tickle, teach, etc.

or

B) Be seven months pregnant with my second child.

I have neither and still managed to get through the day.

Earlier today I was having a really tough time. I didn't realize why. Now I know when I sit down, do the math, and recognize the significance of today.

I know I am strong. I know I will survive...

And that's that.

Angelversaries, March of Dimes, and Mother's Day

Back to back days and reminders of what I came close to having...and then had taken away.

1st Angelversary: The anticipation of the day was much more difficult and sad than the actual day itself.

March of Dimes: Volunteered to work the registration booth. I felt like I needed to do something or be a part of the event in some way. Seeing all those babies and families together actually made me feel good. I imagined that most of the families there were there because they too have had some experience where they either loss a baby/babies or almost did. It made me feel good to see that so many families came out on the other side of it with babies to hold and love on the outside world.

Mother's Day: I did not anticipate feeling any particular way on Mother's Day. For most of the day, I tried to ignore the fact that it was indeed Mother's Day. When I woke up that morning, I actually thought it was Monday (clearly my subconscious mind did not want to acknowledge this day). I went for a walk, did some cleaning, watched movies. And then it hit me when the day was almost over. I overheard a phone conversation in which my husband wished his mother, aunts, and grandmother all a happy mother's day. And then the water works began.

Almost made it.