The Surreal Life

Everyday is a struggle. It's an act. They should give academy awards to mothers who have lost babies. Every day we pretend to be happy. Every day we pretend to be positive. Every day we pretend that we get the big picture. That we have restored faith. That we have found the secret of life...again...and again. Sometimes we pretend for other people, but once we get beyond that we are really just pretending for ourselves. We pretend that things really are getting better just so that we can get up and out the bed each morning. We pretend to care about what's going on around us.

When I go through the motions I don't really feel like I'm pretending and putting on an act, it's only when I step back and take some time to reflect that I realize that I'm not FEELING any happy or positive feelings. It's like I'm a fraud without meaning to be one. I want to feel these positive emotions, but I just don't. Instead all I really mostly feel is angry and helpless. Bitter and angry. Oh, and did I say ANGRY?

I use to look at babies and smile without thinking. It was just an innate response. Now I look at every baby that even remotely looks like my own baby would have and I think to myself, "why? why my baby? how come you aren't my baby? don't my husband deserve to be tossing you in the air and playing with you just as much as the next man?"

Tonight I just want to cry. I just want to scream. I just want to shout. The odd thing is nothing happened tonight. I went out with hubby and had a nice evening. I didn't see not one baby toight. I didn't hear not one cry. But somehow I still manage to stay up at night wishing and hoping that I had a baby to rock, nurse, and hold. It feels like there's a knife twising in my heart and my stomach.

I feel like a failure. Like I failed at something that I preapared and studied really hard for. I feel like someone else got the lifetime scholarship to the ivy league school and all the perks that come along with it that I deserve.

It takes everything in my power to take the next breath when I know someone else is enjoying a life that I should be enjoying too.

I should wear a t-shirt saying, "I got pregnant and all I got was empty jiggly mommy arms and belly fat that won't go away."