Well Hello World

Okay, it's been ages.

Updates...not pregnant (I still do not have the courage to try again...yet. Maybe. One day. Sooner rather than later).

So I moved back home after being almost 1,000 miles away for almost a year.

I returned to work (same profession new location).

A beautiful miracle baby joined our family (husband's cousin) who has given me the audacity to hope and believe.

I started seeing a therapist to deal specifically with my medical post traumatic stress disorder.

I am more physically active and have lost 30lbs to date (I am now a size 4).

If I had a baby to hold in my arms, love, cuddle, and nurse with my husband at my side, I would be happy beyond measure.

Instead, I am working at a job that is thankless and stressful (regardless of my salary increase) while pretending that I am not depressed and sad longing for two babies that will not come back to me in the physical sense.

I wish I had something grand to share after all this time, but I don't so I can't.

Fantasies

Sometimes I fantasize about appearing on the show, I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant...what a wonderful world that would be.

Happy No More

Will I ever be truly happy again?

I've had plenty of reasons to celebrate lately, and celebrate I did. I've enjoyed countless festivities that included birthdays, graduations, parties, festivals,etc. Under the old normal circumstances, these past two months would have been blissful. Under the new normal, I am left wondering will I ever be truly happy again. Happy for long stretches of time. Happy without thinking about it. Happy without trying to be. Happy on the inside. Happy for other people. Happy to hear that someone else is having a baby regardless if I feel they do or don't deserve to.

I hope I can find true happiness again someday SOON because I don't know what kind of life it would be to have this internal and eternal feeling of melancholy.

Someone's Going To Lotto...Might As Well Be You

It's going to be somebody. Why not me? I feel like I have been on the wrong side of statistics too many times. Second trimester loss? Me. Incompetent cerivix? Miscarriage first trimesteer? Me. Hemorrage? Me. Blood transfusion? Me. Infection? Me. Depression? Me. Post traumatic stess disorder? Me. Why not me for everything else. I want a baby. I want a baby to kick, live, and exist inside of me for the whole duration of a normal pregnancy for 40 weekss...and come out breathing, crying, kicking, and nursing.

But. I am so scared. I feel like evey risk of childbirth is a personal risk that I have to surpass. I want a baby, but I don't want to risk my life again to only come out a dead baby mama.

Seven

So today I should either:

A) Have a seven month old baby boy to hold, cuddle, love, kiss, nurse, tickle, teach, etc.

or

B) Be seven months pregnant with my second child.

I have neither and still managed to get through the day.

Earlier today I was having a really tough time. I didn't realize why. Now I know when I sit down, do the math, and recognize the significance of today.

I know I am strong. I know I will survive...

And that's that.

Angelversaries, March of Dimes, and Mother's Day

Back to back days and reminders of what I came close to having...and then had taken away.

1st Angelversary: The anticipation of the day was much more difficult and sad than the actual day itself.

March of Dimes: Volunteered to work the registration booth. I felt like I needed to do something or be a part of the event in some way. Seeing all those babies and families together actually made me feel good. I imagined that most of the families there were there because they too have had some experience where they either loss a baby/babies or almost did. It made me feel good to see that so many families came out on the other side of it with babies to hold and love on the outside world.

Mother's Day: I did not anticipate feeling any particular way on Mother's Day. For most of the day, I tried to ignore the fact that it was indeed Mother's Day. When I woke up that morning, I actually thought it was Monday (clearly my subconscious mind did not want to acknowledge this day). I went for a walk, did some cleaning, watched movies. And then it hit me when the day was almost over. I overheard a phone conversation in which my husband wished his mother, aunts, and grandmother all a happy mother's day. And then the water works began.

Almost made it.

"I Guess I'll See You Next Lifetime"

After almost a year and two baby losses I have come to realize (for tonight...maybe just tonight) that some things are just scientific, random, biological laws of nature...otherwise known as the other side of statistics that someone has to be on. As much as it hurts us like crazy and makes us question everything we have ever known and believed in, the truth is it just so happen to be us. That's it. Nothing special about it. No reason that we were selected for this fate other than the fact that it had to be somebody. We are the somebodies!!!

Next step is up to us. How do we choose to view this? How do we choose to move on? For me, I like to think that my babies needed a special, sacred, loving, and nurturing space for just a limited time. I like to think that they instinctively knew that only I could provide the space where they could feel pure love, peace, joy, and at home. I'm so special that they chose to come to me.

Sometimes I think and believe that now just wasn't the time for us to be together here on earth..."Now what I'm I supposed to do when I want you in my world?" As much as it may pain me in the here and now, I'd like to think that I will see and be with them next lifetime. Maybe we'll be butterflies together at the same time. I'll just have to wait a little while.

For days that I choose to look at this scientifically and statiscally...the numbers just add up. One in five pregnancies end in baby losses. I am the one in five. Twice. That's it. My losses have no theme. They are not related. They are completely random situations that could have happened to any two different women. Instead, they happened to me. Lightening struck twice. If this was the megamillion lottery, I would be beyond happy.

But it's not. So I just cope instead.

How do you view your losses? What helps you to make it through the heartache?